40. Co-Regulation

Today’s episode is the mother of all follow-ups. I’ll be revisiting my episodes on the ‘Go To Your Room’ strategy, tantrums, and negative associations, to clarify some confusion and answer all of your questions on these topics. One of the key ideas here is co-regulation, and whether you can lend your child your calm in moments of dysregulation. If you can be present with inaction, and simply be with your child without trying to fix the feeling or becoming dysregulated yourself, then you can hold space for them. But this is not always possible, as we could be dealing with stressors, trauma, or childhood wounds that sometimes make us lose our shit. And if that's the case, this is when you want to implement the harm reduction model and use the Go To Your Room strategy. It can be done in a way that doesn’t feel “abandoning”, and it prevents you from saying something psychologically damaging, and also allows your child to experience the full cycle of their feelings, and settle their bodies on their own.   The Finer Details of This Episode: We are the first generation of parents to recognize that past parenting approaches were unhealthy and ineffective, so it can be confusing and overwhelming when everything is new territory - the internet also adds to this Go To Your Room strategy can often feel like you’re abandoning your child because it can be done is abandoning ways If you can tolerate your child’s meltdowns, you should probably hold space for your child in those moments - and that means presence with inaction If you can’t co-regulate without trying to stop the feeling, use the Go To Your Room strategy Ideally we would never leave a child in distress, but if you are about to lose your shit and say something catastrophic, this can do a lot of damage and you need to be implementing the harm reduction model in those moments There can be psychological damage when you try to stop the feeling and prevent it from running its full course, and also when you lose your shit on your child Regulation means bringing order, having a baseline of calm - you can be irritated by something, but it doesn’t throw you off If you feel yourself become immediately dysregulated when your child melts down, this is indicative of a childhood wound If it’s a slow burn and the feeling of being dysregulated gradually builds up, it’s the result of resentment and boundary issues Co-regulation is regulating in the presence of another person - dogs are an excellent example of this as they are present when you’re upset, but not doing anything to try to fix it I hate the traditional definition of co-regulation because it implies that you should actively do something to stop, to shift, to fade the feeling your child is having You do not need to do something when your child is upset, you need to be something In a meltdown situation, you have to lend them your calm, not calm your child down Letting your feelings and emotions run their course is incredibly powerful and healing If we over empathize with every single feeling, we’re doing a disservice to our child because we’re not teaching them how to weather disappointment  Go To Your Room strategy allows your child to feel all their feelings, and settle their body on their own The key is for us parents to be regulated Gentle parenting misses the mark by encouraging us to sit with our children through all feelings, but it does not take into account our own stresses and feelings of dysregulation   Links: Jamie’s Website - www.jamieglowacki.com Oh Crap! Potty Training – https://www.amazon.com/Crap-Potty-Training-Everything-Parenting-ebook/dp/B00V3L8YSU Oh Crap! I Have A Toddler -  www.simonandschuster.com/books/Oh-Crap!-I-Have-a-Toddler/Jamie-Glowacki/Oh-Crap-Parenting/9781982109738 Jamie’s Patreon Page - www.patreon.com/join/jamieglowacki? Kimberly Ann Johnson Website www.kimberlyannjohnson.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices