47. The Hierarchy of Misbehavior

With so many new listeners joining the Patreon recently, today I'll be clarifying the hierarchy of misbehavior, and outlining in very clear steps, the timeline of exactly what to do when your child is misbehaving, using the example of hitting. It may seem cute and harmless when your kid is 16 months old, but if you don't nip it in the bud, hitting can become very problematic and painful if you allow it to continue, particularly when it's directed at another kid. First, you want to try the gentle method of simply grabbing their hand and saying, "No, we don't hit." If the behavior doesn't stop or even escalates from there, this is when the “Go To Your Room” strategy comes into play. The most important thing you can do is keep yourself regulated, and while co-regulation is ideal, this can be hard to do when someone is slapping you in the face or throwing Tonka Trucks at your head. If you need to take space separately to stabilize your own mental state, that’s absolutely okay. This way you can come back and lend your child your calm, instead of giving them your Psycho Mom chaos. Once again, thank you so much for your patronage, and for all of your wonderful questions and feedback as we unpack these important topics together. For more information on my potty training and parenting resources, please visit the links below.   The Finer Details of This Episode: Similar to my experience raising my puppy, Maverick, it’s not fair to expect your young child to make good decisions - it’s up to us as adults to help guide them If you are feeling like your routine isn’t working, it might be helpful to break down the components of your day and see where you can shift things around to maximize your time When behavior escalates, we’re working either Overground (stopping the behavior in the moment) or Underground (getting to the root cause behind it) If we give in when the child’s behavior escalates, we are moving the boundary and the child will keep testing it - moving the boundary can actually cause the behavior to escalate and give kids too much power When your child is escalating, check that you’re not moving the boundary or letting them dictate your actions If you allow your child to continue with aggressive or violent behavior, it will only cause you to become dysregulated as well The “Go To Your Room” strategy allows you to separate and calm your bodies before the situation gets out of hand I find the Gentle Parenting approach to label your child’s feeling in the middle of a tantrum very annoying and condescending - they already know they’re angry or frustrated When we get to the root cause, this is where we implement our conscious parenting strategies in non-hot moments (use a throwing corner, help build emotional vocabulary, role play) If you can regulate together with your child, great, but don’t be afraid to take that space alone - it is crucial that you stabilize your own mental state so you can come back and lend your child your calm, not give them your chaos Co-regulation is ideal, but it is not always possible - if that’s the case, it’s okay to separate Maintaining boundaries can be exhausting, and it’s often easier to give in to a meltdown Our kids don’t really care about us - they’re busy playing and learning, and it’s not their job to concern themselves with us Also, they’ll never love us the way we love them so we can’t expect equal love - it’s just the nature of the beast and we will always love them more   Links: Jamie’s Homepage - http://www.jamieglowacki.com/ Oh Crap! Potty Training – https://www.amazon.com/Crap-Potty-Training-Everything-Parenting-ebook/dp/B00V3L8YSU Oh Crap! I Have A Toddler -  https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Oh-Crap!-I-Have-a-Toddler/Jamie-Glowacki/Oh-Crap-Parenting/9781982109738 Jamie’s Patreon Page: https://www.patreon.com/join/jamieglowacki? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices