Stephanie Sullivan on Polyamory – Smart Sex, Smart Love with Dr. Joe Kort

You’ve heard of polyamory, right? But, do you really understand what a polyamorous relationship looks like? This week Joe chats with Stephanie Sullivan, a polyamory-affirmative therapist to talk all things polyamory. Is it just cheating? Why do some people confuse it with affairs or infidelity? Even while our society has made incredible strides in the legalization of same-sex marriage, the idea that a relationship could include more than two people has remained a taboo—even when one in five Americans claim that they have been in a relationship with more than one person. Hear Joe and Stephanie dispel the polyamory myths. Does it work?” And “How do people make it work?"

Joe Kort:              Hi and welcome to Smart Sex, Smart Love. I'm Dr. Joe Kort. Our listeners have no doubt heard of non-monogamy and while there are many different forms of it, polyamory, the practice of having more than one romantic or sexual partner at the same time is definitely gaining the most visibility in popular culture. It was the fourth most frequented searched relationship term on Google in 2017 but even if we're aware that polyamory is a thing, plenty of us don't understand how it actually works.

Today, my guest is Stephanie M. Sullivan and she's a marriage and family therapist at A Compass Within personal consulting in Rochester, Michigan. She earned her master's degree in child development and family studies with a specialization in marriage and family therapy from Purdue university Northwest. Stefanie is an LGBTQ affirmative, polyamory affirmative and kink friendly therapist who specializes in working with people navigating polyamorous relationships and other forms of consensual non-monogamy. Stephanie is also an author and presenter for The Affirmative Coach at affirmativecoach.com and focuses on educating both the general public and other mental health professionals about polyamory. Welcome Stephanie.

Stephanie:          Thanks Joe.

Joe Kort:              So why don't we start with just a whole the concept of what is polyamory?

Stephanie:          Well, polyamory is the practice of having more than one romantic or sexual partners. When it's defined, polyamory actually means many loves or more than one love. So that's kind of the idea behind polyamory.

Joe Kort:              Okay. And then can you tell me, I forgot to ask, I had somebody on here recently, David singer, the LA King shrink is his name and we talked a little bit about polyamory and he said something about polycules but we never got to it. Can you tell us what a polycule is?

Stephanie:          Yeah, so a polycule is all of the people that are involved in one relationship. So if I'm dating Joe and Joe is dating Brad and Brad is dating Margaret, then all of those people together are the polycule. It's kind of like the molecule of polyamorous people together.

Joe Kort:              So is it like a commitment of all those people that we are in this bubble kind of thing?

Stephanie:          Not necessarily, no. It's just all of the attachments with all of the people. They don't all have to be dating one another, but it's how everyone is attached and how everyone relates to one another. I might not have even met Margaret, but she's still part of my polycule, because of the extension of my partner and his partner.

Joe Kort:              Oh, I see. All right, you don't necessarily all know each other, but she's connected... Whomever's connected to the people involved with each other.

Stephanie:          Right.

Joe Kort:              So it can be pretty big.

Stephanie:          It can be, yeah.

Joe Kort:              Yeah. Okay. All right. And then you know, a lot of people think, is polyamory just for people who want to have a lot of sex? What do you say to that?