Ep 34. Should I be a friend to my child? Parenting across a lifetime, estrangement and family dynamics.
In this episode, I discuss the balance between being a parent and a friend to my children, emphasising the importance of maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship. Especially when they are young, it's been crucial for me to meet my children where they are, rather than expecting them to meet me where I am. As they grow older (into adulthood), I recognise the challenges of transitioning from a parent-child relationship to an adult-to-adult relationship. Among other things, I stress the significance of maintaining my position and responsibility as a parent while also allowing my children to have a greater sense of agency. I also acknowledge the potential pain that can arise from adult-child estrangement and the difficulties of navigating relationships with in-laws and grandchildren as the decades pass. I delve into the concept of being friends with adult children and the inherent challenges it brings. I believe that such a friendship is possible, but it can come with baggage and differing dynamics. I also touch on the (touchy) belief that as parents and grandparents, we have no inherent right to be part of our children's lives once they become adults. Maintaining a relationship with them is solely based on their invitation. Stories, Examples, and Citations (courtesy of AI summarisation) David shares a simple model of child-adult-parent, which involves meeting the child at their level and maintaining a healthy parent-child dynamic even as children become adults. He also shares his own experience as a parent and a pastoral support person, emphasizing the importance of acceptance and meeting children where they are. David discusses the challenges of balancing parenting and adult relationships and emphasizes the importance of sacrificing his own adult ways to enter the child's world. He also reflects on the human tendency to bask in reflected glory and the potential pitfalls of using social media to build relationships with his children. David concludes by emphasizing the importance of building a healthy parent-child relationship as a foundation for friendship with his children. David shares the story of his daughter booking a solo trip to Japan and how he had to balance his role as a parent with his daughter's growing sense of agency and independence. He discusses the challenges of adult-child estrangement and shares his own experiences of taking breaks from his relationship with his parents to heal and reset the relationship. David talks about the challenges of navigating relationships with in-laws and grandchildren and acknowledges that there is no set recipe for success. He discusses the benefits of rites of passage in helping with the transition from deep intimacy and dependency to interdependency and separation. David acknowledges the pain that can come from adult-child estrangement, particularly for mothers whose adult sons and daughters push them away. He shares a story about a parent and adult child who seem to do a lot together, but maintaining that relationship requires immense maturity on both sides. David cites John Sanford, who believes that parents and grandparents have no right into their children's lives once they become adults and that maintaining a relationship is purely by invitation. He talks about his own experience of sharing this belief with his parents and the pain and confusion that can come with it. David acknowledges that maintaining a relationship with adult children may be painful and confusing. He talks about the privilege and honor of being a parent and the deep bond that comes with it. --- Send in a voice message: https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/david-tensen/message