146. How to prepare for difficult conversations with team members, clients, or collaborators

Ever agonized over having a tough conversation with an employee or put off having a difficult chat with a client because you’re worried about getting the outcome you want? There’s a way to make that easier. The reality of business is that you have to interact with people. This means that one day, you’ll need to have a tough conversation. It can feel stressful but knowing how to prepare for these difficult conversations with team members, clients, or collaborators will free up your brain space and allow you to handle the conversation with confidence. This is my simple 5-step process to prepare for any hard conversation whether it’s with a team member, client, contractor, collaborator, or someone else. Note: It is a simple process but it can be really powerful if you implement the strategies I outline here. If you’re avoiding having hard conversations or still not applying any of this to the conversations you need to have, try interrupting your pattern by taking time to reflect and process what’s holding you back. Step 1: Set aside the need to get a specific outcome. Focus only on your end of the conversation. The simple truth is you cannot control other people. Not how they will behave, respond, or feel. Step 1 of tackling a hard conversation at work is setting aside the need to get a specific outcome and focusing only on our end of the conversation. Does this feel difficult for you to wrap your head around? It is scary to think about what could happen if you have a difficult conversation and things don’t go the way you want them to.  What if your employee quits and you can’t find a new hire?  What if your client cancels your contract and you can’t pay your bills?  What if ...? If you start trying to control the outcome of your hard conversations, you are likely venturing into manipulation territory. When you bring in these ulterior motives, you degrade trust and risk creating a long-term relationship that doesn't work and won't give you the results you're hoping for anyway. Go into any difficult conversation focusing only on your end of the conversation. Let go of needing to achieve a specific outcome or trying to control how the other person will react. Step 2: Get clear on why you need to have this conversation. When you are preparing for hard conversations with team members, clients, or anyone else in the workplace, bring yourself back to the purpose of the conversation. Why are you having this conversation? For instance, if you’re giving a team member feedback about their poor performance, the purpose of the conversation can’t be to simultaneously deliver the feedback, make them change their behavior, and avoid them feeling bad. Keeping in mind only to focus on things you can control, it’s obvious that the purpose here is simply to deliver the feedback. When preparing for a difficult conversation at work, keep coming back to the question of why you are having this conversation and remove anything you can’t control. Get clear on your role and what you need to do in the conversation - it will reduce the stress and drama and avoid creating an impossible situation you have no control over. Step 3: Write down and practice saying the hard points that need to be communicated. Now that you are clear on why you need to have this difficult conversation, the next step is to clarify the essential things that need to be communicated, especially if you don’t want to say them. These could include examples or specific situations you need to address, agreements to reinforce, and requests that feel challenging to ask for. Write down everything that needs to be said or addressed within the conversation. These notes can also act as a helpful guide going into the conversation. In situations like a Zoom call, you could even refer to these notes in your conversation. Having the essential points for the conversation written out acts as an agreement with yourself that you will not slip out of having to say the difficult things. I recommend that you also practice how you will share these essential points. You can practice the words you will use and your response if someone challenges you. It may feel silly but it makes a huge difference. Practice while sitting at your desk, with your dog, in front of the mirror, or even while stuck in traffic - where or how you practice isn’t as important as actually practicing saying the tough stuff. Step 4: Clarify your boundaries. The fourth thing is to clarify your boundaries: What are you willing (and not willing) to do? Figure out before the conversation what your boundaries are. What is acceptable within certain parameters? What is absolutely not okay? How are you willing to support them? How long are you willing to make accommodations?  If you go into the conversation unclear about your boundaries, you will end up reacting. You might agree to things you don't want to and this can cause negative feelings like resentment or disappointment. This can also carry forward into future situations where you lose trust in yourself to have tough conversations. However, once you define your boundaries, it becomes much easier to respond during the talk in a way that is in alignment. Step 5: Ground, visualize, and come back to your confidence The fifth and final step is to ground, visualize, and come back to your confidence. Taking the time before going into a difficult conversation at work to remind yourself of who you are, envision who you want to be in the conversation, and return to your confidence that you can handle whatever outcome results from this conversation can be incredibly helpful.