194: Regulating for the kids…and for your marriage

Do you ever feel triggered by your partner's behavior?   (No? Just me? 😬)   Many parents who join the Taming Your Triggers workshop sign up for help navigating their children's behavior...and then once they're inside they confess that their partner's behavior is even more triggering than their child's.   As you might imagine, many of the participants in the Taming Your Triggers workshop are women. (Classic patriarchy at work: caregiving is women's work, and so is managing the emotional climate of the family, so why does a male partner in a cisgender, heterosexual relationship need to bother?)   So I've been especially glad to see that more and more men are taking the workshop - and last time around we also had several couples participating together.   Elizabeth and Marshall are physical therapists who travel and work to pay off their student loan debt. They had a three-year-old, and then became unexpectedly pregnant - with twins!   Both Elizabeth and Marshall had fairly typical middle class childhoods...they had enough with out being rich, but underneath the veneer that 'everything's fine' lurked disconnection from parents, unexpressed anger, and mental illness - as well as the societal messages of getting out of debt and preparing for retirement.   Elizabeth had no idea she had anger issues until she became a parent. Suddenly she felt both anger and shame about her anger, not understanding that the anger was wrapped up in her childhood.   Since Elizabeth and Marshall have organized their entire lives around paying off their student loan debt, it was hard to commit to spending money on not just one but two enrollments in Taming Your Triggers. Up to that point, Elizabeth often felt she was the one doing the work and dragging Marshall along...but he saw how important this was to her, and went all-in alongside her.   They've noticed profound shifts in their capacity to be with their children - as well as with each other.   Elizabeth knows not just in her head but in her body that it's OK to be in uncomfortable situations and not fix everything immediately.   She talked with her mom about a shame-filled situation from her childhood that Elizabeth thought she would "take to her grave" - and now the issue doesn't impact her anymore.   Marshall is able to let go of problems that used to really bother him, and engages the children in using the concepts from the workshop.   They can work through the challenges they're facing, both as a couple and as parents. Their now have the space for conversations about their parenting values, instead of just reacting to the latest...